We were together for almost eighteen months, as together as two people could be… until you came along. Some might say he “cheated” on me with you. No, that would never—could never—be the case. We didn’t say we were a couple because that implied less-than-stellar connotations. Despite what anyone may think, feel, or believe—neither of us is gay.
Instead, we were just “us.” We are so different that we shouldn’t have been friends—let alone anything more. But Cody knows—we were magic. We stopped trying to figure out the whys and hows of us—in the end, we learned to accept it for what it was.
Did he tell you all the times I tried to change our relationship to be “only friends”? How I thought how things were structured was not in his best interest and fucking him over in his head? How did he repeatedly want us to stay the way it was?
As for the registry, I have (nor ever will deny) being on it. If anyone takes the time to do a little digging, they will discover that the whole registry thing doesn’t work and is more of a “dog-and-pony” show.
I never go into details because it always feels like justification. Also, as Cody knows, that part of my life… was very different. All that happened over twenty-five years ago. I’ve been rebuilding my life for ten years. If someone wants to judge me for something that long ago—truthfully, they can go fuck themselves. I want nothing to do with those people. I am not the same person even four years ago—let alone decades.
It would be different—if I was the same as most people in similar circumstances. I rebuilt a good, healthy, positive life. I went on to get a bachelor’s s degree and went to graduate school to get my MBA. I started my own business. I have gone to great lengths to help people whenever I can—as a way of maybe an atonement. Look, I can never undo that part of my life. What am I to do—go out to some woods and hang myself?
In the past ten years, I have told only two people the whole story and one of them was Cody.
Here’s the thing: he already knew… and didn’t let me know he knew. He let me agonize over it for months—and didn’t say anything? Who does that? It was another one of those things that added up to—all the less-than-stellar things about him.
Did he tell you I was autistic? That I wasn’t diagnosed until about ten years ago and spent many years not knowing? Had I known—things in my life would have turned out differently. My sensitivity to light, sounds, smells, and even touch? How people confuse me? How did I tell him things to do and not do to make it easier on both of us? How he ignored my requests and often made things worse?
As is Cody, he talked about… situations. You’ll learn he hides and manipulates—so he doesn’t have to be truthful. He knows those things… are—and always—will be difficult for me. And, at times, it made those things… harder to process and deal with in my head.
Those situations—were never truly a part of us. Shallow people—if they knew—would most likely make shallow, smutty connations. For both of us, they were expressions: “I care this much about you that I will, allow, or do—whatever.”
As things happen, those things progressed over time… and not all that often. If Cody wasn’t into guys—why would he go down that path? Remember, he chose to go down specific paths; had he chosen a different path, I would have been 100% okay.
I never led him down a path: as always—it was ever what was best for Cody. But, when he moved in—and before anything did happen—he knew of the possibility. He knew because he knew of my past… what might happen. He could have chosen at any point: “No, that’s me.” He didn’t. I would have been okay with it—and it probably, from my perspective, been better not.
So remember: these are things—he chose. Things he let happen.
How often do you catch him in lies? I always told him—he could tell me anything. I would always forgive and forget. I would always accept him for the person he was. How often would Cody lie about even little things that there was no reason to lie about?
That time, we texted, and I said I had to go. I never read anything else you wrote. I reached out to see precisely what Cody said and didn’t say. It became clear—he wasn’t telling the whole story. He was cherry-picking, glossing over—or ignoring things… typical Cody.
The Cody I know—knows what the past did to me. The Cody I know would have said, “Look, I know it looks bad. He’s different. I know what he went through and all of it.” Or something like that.
I will tell you something… did he ever tell you what I wanted our “Happily Ever After” to be? That one day, he would get All Things Cody in order. Get himself financially stable, and clear the shit that’s always in his head. Build coping strategies. Him getting a girlfriend, and we could adjust and tweak and do whatever was needed to make things work.
Don’t you find it odd—he never just deleted the notes I sent him? Why bother reading them when he was moving away from that part of his life? Why allow me to get your phone number—when Cody knew this would be the outcome?
Did he tell you how one of the first things he told me was that he wanted dental work done? How I found a good dental plan that I paid for an entire year? How I put down money at a dental office and told him I would match whatever money he put towards his dental? He never went to one dental appointment—the money still sits there.
How he needed to be around and do things with people his age? How would I give him money to spend when he wasn’t working? How he would take the car to pick up and do things with his friends? Or, how could he take him as needed when his dad needed rides to doctor’s appointments?
I know you are a good person because Cody is very selective about who enters his life. You must be good for him, or he would have nothing to do with you. As you should know: Nobody tells him what to do. That’s a trait I admire about him.
Again, when I heard you, I hoped to have met and gotten to know you better. I was happy for him… but we both know how he chose to handle things.
Despite coming at me the wrong way, I have no ill feelings towards you—nor Cody. The last thing I want to do is cause negative ripples in Cody’s life.
But, again—you approached me the wrong way. Cody knows this; he would have told you if he had any sense. I’m more selective with people than he will ever be.
Here’s a look at all the stored letters I wrote to Cody– almost one a day… because he wanted them. Ask him where I out those letters every day…
If you ever attempt to reach out to me in any way anytime in the future—I will make sure everything you read and things not here get passed along to everyone Cody knows.
Please don’t take that as a threat or with malice: I merely stated that to get my point across. But I will do it.
You went fishing for information, being nosy, with your condescending attitude. I could tell—but, again, I knew it all along—which is why you’re getting this—Cody wasn’t telling things the way they were.
Do you know that because he means much to me and I would do anything to help him, I changed my will and everything connected to me so he ends up as my beneficiary? He will one day get everything: that will never change—no matter what he does.
First, there was no genuine concern about Cody: Your mission was to see what you could dig up. Second, I was on the verge of telling precisely the state of the relationship between Cody and me.
Again, believe what you want. I have a hard time lying. My bluntness often upsets people—I don’t hold back and call them as I see them.
I take All Things Cody seriously. One of my mantras (and he’ll tell you if he can find a way to be honest) was to love, cherish, and protect him.
I was the first person in a long time to prioritize Cody. I gave up and did without for him—without strings or agendas. I would do it again because I believe in Cody and think he has so much untapped potential.
Did he tell you why he moved in the first time—after only knowing me a few weeks? Did he tell you the reason why he left last October? I will tell you about that one. He was going into dark places in his mind, and I was afraid he might do something to hurt himself. He stopped cleaning his room—one of the things he took pride in. When he left, bugs crawled all over—even in his bed. I couldn’t reach him: He had to be around people who could. It tore me to shreds, making him leave—but later, he admitted I had done the right thing.
Did he tell you why he moved back in January? Because I have no clue. I never thought he’d be back.
Did he tell you how this place was the first place he could call home and the last time he had a real home? Ask him the last time he had his own bedroom. Or why he spent 100% of his time in his room—even eating in there?
All of this isn’t to hurt you or Cody. He did many wrong things and purposely did things to hurt and mess me up. Don’t think I don’t take responsibility for my actions between him and me. I do, and I wish some things played out differently, but much of what happened was due to his choices.
He has a lot going on in his head that he keeps hidden, and I hope he will sort things out one day. What I don’t want is for his destructive behaviors to hurt someone because not everyone will bounce back or be as forgiving as I have tried to be.
All that “Cody, come home”—really? Do you think I’d want him back now after all his manipulations and mind games he’s still—typically, Cody—doing since he left? If he ever decided to come back, he’d have –for once—been honest about his choices.
I cared so much about him and wanted to help build his credit– I had him added to my main accounts…
And, it’s nice not to have the worries… He’s not eating again. He’s spending too much time being high. He’s depressed—what now? He’s gone into those dark places in his mind—how do I reach him? Is he going to start using again? Is he suicidal? He’s too isolated, and I can’t get him to spend time with his friends.
The quirkiness of my autism makes even having friends challenging (I keep a tight circle)—let alone anything more profound or more significant. In the past ten years, I’ve been in two relationships. Before Cody, it had been six years, and it was with Brandon. Ask Cody anything you want about him—Cody always found it amusing that even though Brandon is happily married… he was jealous of things with Cody.
Neither of them was gay—and neither am I. If I had wanted that, there would have been plenty of opportunities. That level of intimacy is complex for me, and I so I don’t. Whatever happened with both were choices; whatever they chose would’ve been perfectly fine.
I get Cody’s pissed at me and himself– part of the reason he handled things as he did is to get back at me. For both, we drew out the extremes in emotions. Still, Cody chose to handle it the way he did—he chose to do it destructively, as he often does.
Our relationship with Cody was scary, complex, confusing—and other things. It was hard for both of us to work through. Again, everything was based on his choices—not mine.
We met when he started working at the same place—and even back then, I kept to myself. Cody sought me out and started hanging with me there—ask him what my Pet Name for him was back then.
How I wanted to help him build a good credit record and pay off some of the negatives? Putting him on my accounts to help build his credit record?
Cody, who keeps a tight circle, moved in with me after only knowing me for a few weeks. It was a very “unlike” Cody thing. On top of it, which I didn’t realize at the time (well, because Cody hides things), he was just getting off from being hooked on drugs.
There’s always been a connection between him getting off and staying off drugs—and moving in with me. I never figured it out—and Cody wouldn’t be honest about it. Over time, he stated multiple times that if he hadn’t been living here and everything, he’d have probably gone back to drugs.
Shortly after he moved in, we started calling things between him and me—as us. Again, it was something Cody chose to do.
So, now your weird, condescending remarks about “Stay Us” might make a little more sense. We both, in countless ways, set up the relationship to be as “non-gay” as possible. Ask Cody about the last Valentine’s Card I gave him or “Our Song,” which we both decided perfectly described us.
Moving in, Cody could have chosen any direction: friends, roommates, even as a sort of defacto-uncle. No: Cody chose how he wanted us to be, and our relationship was based on what was best for him and what he wanted.
As Cody—and everyone else knows—I don’t lie or care what people think of me. Either people accept me or—they don’t. I don’t waste my time on the few people I let into my life.
How about how he spent most of last summer stoned and playing on the PlayStation? Or how couldn’t I get him to help with anything around here? How I practically begged him to weed because I was so allergic to many plants and was constantly breaking out?
How after I lost my Dream Job—and money was so tight for me—and he brought in $700 a weekend for tournaments and never gave one time to help? How he never gave any money to help with anything?
Or the times he fucked up my podcast because he would promise to do things and never did?
I don’t lie because it’s one of my quirks with autism. I’m often too blunt. But, it was hard on me to throw up smoke screens and misdirections around others to hide things between Cody and me. I also don’t lie because of how I process people’s words. I’m a literalist: If someone says something, I tend to believe them. If I’m fighting with someone out of anger, they say something like: “I hate you!” My wiring doesn’t process it as—they’re just angry. My mind sees it as a concrete reality that they hate me now and forever… until the time comes when things blow over.
All lies are also equal. If someone says they don’t, I will take out the trash and don’t—it has the same weight in my head if they stole money from me. Again, the quirkiness of my autism makes relationships challenging to navigate—hence, I have few people in my circle.
Over time, Cody told me things he never told anyone and probably never will. Part of it was how our relationship was structured, but partly of things I pounded into his head: “I will always accept and forgive anything you do. I accept all of you—the good, the bad, and everything in between.” If Cody dares to be honest, both were things I told him many times.
Yet, knowing he could tell me anything and it would be okay—he still chose to lie about big and small things… things he had zero reason to lie about. I used to have our Apple accounts linked to ensure he was safe and okay—like in tournaments.
Yet, he often said he was HERE—but he wasn’t. He was somewhere else. Why lie about something inconsequential and knowing I could check on you anytime? I seldom did: I wanted to trust Cody in whatever he was doing and do the things he needed to do for his age. I never wanted to pry or be controlling, especially in things outside of us.
Again, I’m happy he has a girlfriend. None of this is about breaking you two up or causing a fight—or anything like that. Cody knows that’s not how I operate. And, you can believe whatever Cody feeds you or manipulates—or whatever you want to call it. If you two work—good.
How he wanted to go to college? How we spent months of planning—how I went through all the paperwork and hoops? How I made sure he had an iMac and everything he needed for college—only to have his drop out—without ever—an explanation as to why?
Last summer—when he was umping? I made sure he had all his equipment. I gave up my entire summer weekends so he could go off and build his own network of contacts so he could ump on his terms—without the hassles of his dad calling the shots.
We even had our own email– I gave him about six options and this is what CODY chose– NOT me…
Did he tell you about the night he ditched the car? The weekend we went to the ocean? The trips where we would get into the car and spend the weekend at Pigeon Forge? And how I bought him a Season Pass to Dollywood?
I went through nearly eighteen months—and what? You have a few months? I never want anyone to go through the things I went through because one day, his actions will hurt someone deeply.
I’ve given some proof to back my claims—didn’t have to. Again, don’t care. And many people have known everything since he moved in back then. They would have no reason to lie to you or anyone else. But most don’t think kindly of Cody because they know everything he did and pulled.
My Bonus Mom who’s known me for ten years—knows everything about me. She would willingly tell anyone about me—before and during Cody. She’s not known for holding her tongue. Ask Cody what happened and what the ramifications of the time she talked down about Cody were.
But, honestly, some of all this has to fill in some Cody Holes. Some of it makes sense. Some of what I’m saying sounds valid—even if you don’t like it. Look at the great lengths Cody went through over things connected to me, and you can’t help but ask yourself: “What else is he hiding? How well do I really know him? How much can I truly trust him?”
